Chapter Eight: “Master of Women’s Trouble
I was captivated by the same landscape as before. The endless high and low sky and ground that seemed to suck you in. The breathtaking view was no different than before, and it continued to draw me in.
A fleeting impulse comes over me. It’s been a long time.
What would have happened if I had given in to that temptation?
At that time I certainly wished for “death”. At least I was subconsciously aware of it. But at some point I stopped wishing for death.
It continued to protect me like Aegis’ shield. Kokonoe Yukito’s mind is not hurt. Therefore, there is no wish for death.
It was simple logic. But why didn’t I realize it?
That such a thing was impossible.
“Yukito! Yukito, are you okay?”
Mommy is calling me. That’s right, she must have had that look on her face back then.
Hazy memories surface. I wonder what happened?
Does she think I’m going to jump from here?
That might be the case. Considering how I was back then, I probably would have.
In fact, I have a record of it. It’s natural for you to be worried.
That’s why I’m here today.
To move forward with everything. To take back those broken days.
“This is the first time we’ve gone out together like this. Heh. I’m so happy,”
Mom said with a shy smile. She was strangely pumped up just to go out with her kid. Her makeup is just right, too. Very cute.
Mom and I went to Tokyo Skytree. My sister isn’t here.
Today is Mom’s day off, so I asked her.
She said yes right away, but there was some crying involved.
“I’m sorry. I really should have…”
She’s crying again now. I’ve never asked Mom to do anything with me before. I always thought she wouldn’t listen to me anyway and that she hated me.
But this time, my sister, who I thought hated me, recently told me that she loves me. I don’t know what her true feelings are.
Anyway, no, because of that, I need to talk. With Mom too.
When we left the observation deck and went outside, it was a good time. I just wanted to talk to Mom a little more. Or rather, that was the main purpose.
On the quiet walk home at dusk, Mom and I just continued our conversation.
Filling in the time, filling in the blanks.
“Sorry I asked you out so suddenly?”
“No. I was happy. You’ve never done anything like this before.”
“Was it a bother?”
“Of course not.”
She looks down sadly. Come to think of it, Mom always had that look on her face.
I’m the one who made her like that. I’ve made her so sad all this time.
“I thought you hated me, Mom.”
“That is not true. Why would you think that? I couldn’t possibly hate you.”
“But you abandoned me back then, didn’t you?”
“–! That’s not true. Yukito, did someone say something to you? Back then, you–“
“So I thought I was an unwanted existence. Because you never said that you needed me.
“….I’m sorry! It must have been so hard for you…!”
“I thought my sister hated me too. But the other day my sister told me that she loves me. So I wanted to ask you too.”
“Do you think it’s better if I don’t disappear?”
Tears streamed down Mom’s big eyes.
It ruined her beautifully made-up face. She doesn’t seem to care that her makeup is running.
Mom has been crying a lot lately. Even though I’m the cause of all this, I couldn’t end the conversation here today.
It was a necessary act to correct this personality called Kokonoe Yukito back to what it should be. And to take back the real me, which isn’t this broken me.
I can feel Mother’s body shaking. I can feel her tense up.
“I wanted to talk to you more, Mom. I wanted to tell you a lot of things.”
“Yeah…”
“But you looked busy and at some point I stopped saying anything. And those feelings were directed at big sister instead.”
“Yuuri didn’t hate you either.”
“Because I was rejected by both you and Nee san, I lost my place. So I tried to disappear. If that’s what you and Nee san wanted, then that was fine with me. But back then, why didn’t you object and protect me? Why didn’t you protect me?”
“And yet I still wanted to live with you.”
From that day on, I became the current Kokonoe Yukito.
I was in a good mood. It was the first time my son had invited me out.
The fact that it was the first time shows how sinful I am as a parent. When he was little and busy with work, I couldn’t let him be spoiled.
I cherish him. He’s my jewel.
No matter how many times I say it, it doesn’t sink in if I don’t act on it.
Even though I love him so much, I could only watch how he became a distant existence for me. And I also failed to notice Yuuri’s changes.
That is why the incident happened. I never imagined that my son would choose death. What a horror. I still have nightmares about it.
My own failures caused my son to choose death. I was a complete failure as a parent.
And yet my son invited me. It warms my heart.
Because he’s never done anything like this before.
I always wanted to do things like that, to adore him and spoil him. But the time a parent can shower affection is limited. Children grow up so quickly.
I realized too late that the time I could give him loving care was limited.
Maybe my words won’t reach him anymore. That’s what I thought.
So being asked out made me happier than anything. I’m still seen as his parent. I’m still needed. Lately there have been changes in Yukito.
Very important, valuable changes. Yuuri and Yukito sleep together almost every day.
I’m one to talk. I also slept with him yesterday. I felt that if I didn’t, my son, who is trying to change, might go back to the way he was before.
The atmosphere was different than usual. A serious expression. His deadpan face is the same as always.
But usually, he’d say some absurd things.
But today, there was no trace of that side.
“I still wanted to live with you.”
These words pierced my chest. That day, I couldn’t protect this child when he was taken away by Sekka. And so Yukito disappeared.
Losing my confidence as a parent, I thought that maybe being with me would only bring him misfortune. Of course it did. It’s my fault that Yuuri did that to him, that Yukito didn’t want to come home, that he got hurt so badly. All of it, all of it is my fault.
Yukito said that I abandoned him. No, that’s not true! I didn’t abandon him!
An ugly excuse. I only realize things when it’s too late.
If only we had talked more, if only I had faced him more seriously.
I’m always full of these regrets.
My son stands before me now. If I give the wrong answer here, he may never come back this time. Surely he’d go somewhere out of my reach.
His look at the observation deck seemed to prove this. He was shrouded in a fleeting, somber aura that seemed to be sinking into the dark depths below.
Even now he’s so…!
Huh? ….Why?
“It’s okay. I realized it. I’m here today to change.”
“Yukito, are you …. smiling?”
“Smiling? Me? Do you think I’m smiling, Mom?”
He makes a confused face. He pats his face again and again.
Smiling? Him? I can’t even remember the last time I saw my son smile foolishly in front of me.
Our relationship had become so distorted. When he was desperately trying to talk to me, he surely smiled. His smile was so sweet. And yet, at some point, his smile disappeared, and the one who stole that smile was unmistakably me.
Failure as a mother. I thought he’d never show me a face like that again.
And yet…!
“I have something very important to tell you. –I am not the current me right now.”
As always, I was standing in front of the room. An apartment suite. As always, I rang the bell. But my mental state was different than usual.
The outside light illuminates the darkness. Silence enveloped the area. I let her know that I am coming today. It’s the same day as always, but special.
As if expecting me, the person I was looking for immediately comes out. As always, she greets me with a familiar smile, beaming softly.
But today is the beginning of the new Kokonoe Yukito, a human named Kokonoe Yukito.
Everything started from here, from this room. This is where the present me came from.
“Yuki-chan. I’ve been waiting for you! Come in. Let’s have some sushi.”
“It’s been a while. But first, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“You’re the one who made me like this, aren’t you Sekka san?”
“Yuki-chan, don’t tell me you noticed!”
Her pupils opened wide. An expression mixed with surprise and sadness.
Contrasting emotions intertwined in a complex way. At least, that’s how it seemed to me.
Kokonoe Sekka. My mother’s younger sister, and you could say a second mother to me. Sekka san always dotes on me.
My substantial relationship with her began after I ran away from home.
After I was pushed by my sister, I didn’t go back home and just kept walking in the opposite direction from home. The urge to disappear was the only thing that kept me going.
Before I knew it, the police had picked me up. I vaguely remember my mother and sister crying in front of me.
I was hospitalized with a broken bone.
The day I was released, Sekka san was yelling at Mom at home. Or rather,Sekka san was the only one yelling, while Mom couldn’t say anything back.
Sekka san angrily declared, “If you can’t raise him, I will!” I could only watch in silence.
I remember one thing. At that time, I wanted Mother to deny it. Even though Sekka san is my mother’s sister, she’s not my mother.
I wanted her to say no to such a thing. To protect me.
But unable to say anything to Sekka san’s fierce attitude, I was taken in by Sekka san and we lived together for a month.
The look in Mom’s eyes when we parted. Was Mom relieved that I was no longer a nuisance? Why did I come back? It would have been better if I had just disappeared. Feelings like that swelled inside me more and more.
Rejected by my sister, abandoned by my mother, I had no place to belong.
I had to disappear. If that’s what Mom and Nee san wanted, then that was fine with me. But Sekka san saved me.
“Yuki-chan, did you really realize it? My hypnotic suggestions?”
“Yes. I realized it when I looked through the photo album. It was after I came here that I lost my emotions.”
I doubted my own thinking. Some kind of limitation on my thinking.
I don’t need to know the details of what that is. Only one person can do this to me. The trigger for me to become the current Kokonoe Yukito could only be Sekka san.
Sekka san was a psychology major at the university. She used to tell me stories about it.
Then she knows everything. Sekka san wouldn’t lie to me. I was sure she would tell me if I asked.
“Why….Why did you do that?”
“Remember when we went to Tokyo Skytree together?”
I see, so that was it. That day, that’s why Sekka san…
“Right after Sekka san took me in, right?”
“Yes. When I saw you then, I thought, ‘At this rate, Yuki-chan will throw his life away again. He’ll surely try to disappear again.'”
“I don’t think you were wrong.”
“It scared me. Yuki-chan disappearing again. I was lucky that time. If it happened again, I might not make it in time next time.”
“So you twisted my thoughts?”
“Nah, what I did wasn’t that big a deal. I just cast a little spell on you, Yuki-chan.”
“A spell?”
Sekka chuckled self-deprecatingly. In the living room, we continued to exchange words, as if reviewing the answers we had gathered so far.
“Yes, I put a mindset on you so you wouldn’t die and you wouldn’t want to disappear.”
“What kind of mindset is that?”
“Yuki-chan, you thought you were an unnecessary existence, right?”
“Yes.”
“Yuki-chan’s sense of self was thin. You thought that your own existence wasn’t important. So I first made Yuki-chan realize that you are Kokonoe Yukito. When your heart overflowed, I wanted you to be able to reset before it became unbearable.
Hearing this, one of my questions was answered. It was all Sekka’s doing that I kept reaffirming my self-identity as “Kokonoe Yukito”.
“But, you see, in reality this should have been solved quickly.”
Sekka san’s tone dropped a notch.
“My sister loves you as well, Yuki-chan. Yuuri-chan as well. So if this message could reach you, it should have been an easy thing to solve, really simple magic. Nothing complex or specialized, just really simple. But…”
“?”
“You just had bad luck with women, Yuki-chan. Even after that, lot of things keep happenning to you that would hurt you. Middle school was especially bad, right? Each time, the spell I put on you bound you more tightly.”
“Is that why my spirit is the strongest?”
I see, I was wrong. It’s not that I don’t get hurt because I’m broken. I break because I don’t get hurt. Not getting hurt and breaking are a compromise.
My strongest spirit, that’s what made me crazy.
But without it, I probably would have thrown my life away at some point.
“You don’t get hurt. But you know, little by little you broke.”
“Why didn’t you tell Mom or Nee san?”
“I can’t bear to show those two people always standing by Yuki-chan’s side when he falls apart.”
“So Sekka san is–“
Sekka san was crying. As the younger sister, she resembled my mother a little.
I made her cry again. Even though I thought I’d never make anyone cry again.
Why do I always, always…
I was hugged. Just like my mother. But the scent was different from my mother’s.
Come to think of it, I was always held like that by Sekka san.
Looking back now, I realize that she pampered me in her own way because I couldn’t be pampered by my mother.
“You realized it, right? That you’re really loved. That they don’t want you to disappear. That everyone feels that way.”
“Yes. I think it would make them sad if I did.”
“I’m sorry…I made you go through hard times…I’m sorry!”
Sekka san cried as if she wanted to wash everything away.
How much did I worry this person?
She does so much for me.
Even though she’s my mother’s sister, basically a stranger.
“Sekka san, why do you go so far for me?
“Can’t you tell now?”
“…..Because you like me?”
“It is not a matter of course. I love you! I really love you, Yuki-chan!”
The feeling I feel on my lips. So sweet and soft.
Ah, I wonder why, why are people so warm?
“There was just one thing I wanted to ask you. You were always the same around me, right? The way I thought of you had progressed to the point where it couldn’t be helped. But still, why?”
That’s right, the same stupid thoughts. They had disappeared in front of Sekka san.
I had never considered such a thing before. But in retrospect, the answer was very simple and clear.
Surely it was because…
“You never hurt me once, Sekka san.”
That’s right, she protected me all the time. She saved me when I was dying. She always gave me love when I thought I was rejected by everyone. She gave me a place to belong. She told me that it was okay for me to be here.
From then until now, how many feelings has she given me? It can only be called dedication.
She has always dedicated this to me. Of course, I bow my head.
“Thank you very much.
“Yuki-chan…Yuki-chan!”
Sekka san smiled. The tears shone so brightly that I could tell they weren’t from sadness.
“You must be starving.”
“Oh, that’s right, I learned how to make sushi.”
“Really?”
“The owner taught me. Let’s go there together next time, Sekka san.”
Sekka san and I took a bath together. It’s been a habit for a long time.
I don’t feel embarrassed anymore when she insists on it every time I come over, because we’ve been bathing together since I was little. Still, my eyes wander into empty space. Come on, I’m a growing boy.
“Will you be okay now that the spell is broken, Yuki-chan? You might get hurt now.”
“I’ll be fine. It seems I have a lot of people to help me.”
“I see. That’s a relief.”
“You’ll help me too, won’t you, Sekka san?”
“Oh dear! Today’s Yuki-chan has about 50% more cuteness, this big sister can’t take it anymore!”
There were always many allies. As much malice as there was, there was also good will.
I just didn’t notice it. I continued to break in exchange for not getting hurt.
That’s over now. Even if I get hurt, I don’t want to break and hurt anyone.
The strongest mental like nanocarbon tubes is gone. I don’t need it anymore.
But that’s okay. I can finally get my emotions back.
The invincible me ends today.
“But…”
I laugh unconsciously.
What is this? I guess I got used to it.
When I think about it, that time was way too long. We’ve been together for more than ten years. No matter what I say now, it’s already become a part of me, essentially me too.
“I seem to like the Kokonoe Yukito I’ve been until now, too. I don’t want to lose what Sekka san has done for me.”
“Yuki…chan…?”
I get up from the bathtub. Swoosh!
“This is me, Kokonoe Yukito, buying dollars in preparation for extreme yen devaluation! “
Given the current world situation, who knows how long we can live in peace in Japan. Converting savings into dollars bit by bit is also a valid wealth-building strategy. This Reiwa era is not a time to be complacent about peace.
I can’t help but laugh out loud. That’s right, this side of me is me. It’s not a fake personality. It’s not fake. I was wrong. This me is me too.
“Great, Yuki-chan! And umm, down there is also great!”
Sekka san’s cheeks turn slightly red. Eh, wait a minute. What am I showing Sekka san? Too brazen? We’ve been bathing together since I was little, but I’m a growing boy. Swish!
“It’s okay! I prepared some protection just in case. ‘m fine without it if you want! “
“No, it’s not like that! No, it’s not like that!”
“We have reverse bunnies too! Oh, my God!”
“Oh, my God! That’s the worst possible answer I didn’t want to hear in this situation!”
Could this be the Hikarug enji Plan?
Swish!
Yuki-chan makes cute snoring sounds while he sleeps. This day has finally come.
Today is “the promised day” for us. We have been waiting for this day.
I wanted him to realize that he is loved while I watched him fall apart more and more.
Yuki-chan said that I never hurt him, but that’s not true.
I hurt Yuki-chan the most. If I hadn’t done that, things wouldn’t have turned out this way. But there was no other way back then.
I only had one wish. I didn’t want Yuki to want to die.
But that still tortured Yuki.
And yet, he thanked me. I felt rewarded.
Yuki-chan afirmed what I had done.
Finally, I felt the fog lifting and couldn’t stop my tears.
Yuki-chan will be okay now, right? He noticed it himself.
Yuki-chan and I met for the first time when he was much younger. He probably doesn’t even remember it.
At that time, I had my own worries and was conflicted about what to do. It was a time when I did not know how to live. During that time, I had the opportunity to take care of Yuki-chan at my sister’s house.
Even then, Yuki-chan was a difficult child, but once he called me mom. We’re sisters. We look alike. Mistakes happen.
Wobbly Yuki-chan called me that and then fainted. With an even more innocent face than now.
At that moment, my worries disappeared. What trivial things I was struggling with, I thought, letting them all go. These worries didn’t mean anything.
As I watched the sleeping Yuki-chan, I lost myself in the thought that there were much more important things in life.
I couldn’t bear to see Yuki-chan become like that.
For the first time, I felt strong resentment towards my sister. What surprised me was Yuki-chan’s bad luck. He always gets into trouble. Maybe it’s his nature, but at least his young heart couldn’t stand it.
I wanted to do something to help him. Just a little help. Symptomatic treatment at best.
At first, it was just the feeling of a simple spell that would soon dissolve.
I never thought it would take this long…
But finally it’s over. Yuki-chan said he has people helping him now. So it’s going to be okay.
The spell to protect Yuki-chan’s heart is no longer needed.
He doesn’t have to reset his heart anymore.
My interference is also over now. From now on, Yuki-chan probably won’t come to see me like she used to. I’ll be lonely…
“….Sekka san…”
Is he sleep talking? Yuki mumbles in his sleep.
Not good, not good, not good! I can’t bind Yuki-chan any more!
I’m the one who hurt Yuki-chan all the time. I’m the one who broke Yuki-chan. Even though I know this rationally, I can’t resist when I see Yuki-chan. I’m driven by the urge to spoil him.
Because he’s so lovable.
When Yuki-chan found out the truth, I thought he would hate me.
Of course he would. I’m the cause of everything. Yuki-chan has the right to be angry with me.
But instead, he thanked me. I hadn’t seen Yuki-chan’s smile since that day long ago when he called me Mommy.
Until now, I had felt a certain sense of guilt and obligation.
But if Yuki-chan forgives me from now on…
How stupid. If I told my friends, they’d doubt my sanity.
The difference in our ages is an unchangeable fact.
But I can’t suppress it.
I can’t put a lid on these feelings.
–Right now I’m in love with this boy.
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