Chapter 106: Reality and Ideals
Deep. Deeper. Endlessly deep. A bottomless darkness so profound that even the furthest reaches seem to recede.
Muddy darkness clings to Charl’s floating body. Heavy, suffocating, ominous.
“…………………………………”
Her body won’t move. Her heart refuses to respond.
What flashes repeatedly through her mind is Makina’s body engulfed in flames. All the helplessness she has ever experienced.
(Ah……I am……weak…………)
Weak. Powerless.
(I only speak of ideals……without the strength worthy of those ideals……always, always being saved by Al-kun and the people around me……why……am I……so weak…………)
Because she’s weak, she can’t protect anything.
Because she’s weak, she can’t protect anyone.
“That is what reality is.”
In the midst of this black world, darkness emerges. That darkness took a shape very much like Charl herself.
“Ideals. Pretty words. How wonderful it would be if they could come true. Everyone understands that much.”
“……Why doesn’t anyone try to make them come true?”
“Reality is much stronger than you think. Stronger than anything else. And ideals are the most fragile things of all. They’re nothing but weaklings that get crushed and shattered by reality.”
“……I know. I know how painful and merciless reality can be.”
“You don’t understand. No, perhaps you do understand. You understand, but you’re averting your eyes.”
“……Why?”
“People die while you’re spouting pretty words. For example, if there’s an armed person in front of you trying to kill you and your family, could you still spout your pretty words? Let’s stop fighting, let’s stop killing people? While you’re doing that, you’ll die. Your family will be killed too.”
The other Charl, filled with darkness, continues speaking eloquently.
“Take your fiancé, for example. He’s been despised by people for the sole reason of possessing black magic power. Would you appeal to the people to stop discriminating? Ah, certainly. You’re the daughter of a ducal house, and your fiancé is royalty. In that moment, the people would comply and say they understand. ……But in places where you’re not present. In places where royalty cannot hear, the people will mock those with black magic power with the same mouth that said [we understand]. Do you think such discrimination will disappear with the pretty words you aim for? How utterly foolish.”
—-That’s right. There’s no way she could fulfill ideals, realize pretty words.
“Above all. You should know. The malice of humans. Their ugly hearts. Your own heart was trampled by hearts filled with malice, wasn’t it?”
It resurfaces. That day, in that place, when Leor broke their engagement.
She was demanded to apologize unilaterally, and no one believed her side of the story.
With the same mouth that had called her wonderful until yesterday, they declared Charlotte-Mersenne evil.
With the same mouth that had said they respected her until yesterday, they condemned Charlotte-Mersenne.
With the same mouth that had said they believed in her, they mocked Charlotte-Mersenne.
“You should know. The malice of humans. Hearts filled with darkness. You should know. Humans deceive others, betray them, trample on them. They’re cold, ugly, ominous creatures.”
“………………………………Yes.”
She nodded. Without resisting the weight of the mud clinging to her entire body, flowing with the current.
“…………I know. The ugliness that human hearts possess. The cold malice.”
“That’s right. You knew. The only reason you could still spout pretty words was because you were just averting your eyes. Pretending to understand, pretending to accept, pretending to face your heart.”
The other Charl approaches.
“Facing human hearts—-what happened as a result of those pretty words? Nener was consumed by revenge. Makina-Orchestra made mistakes. Of course they did. Hearts are what distort righteousness and cause mistakes. The human heart you believe in is what tramples on the pretty words you believe in.”
Taking one step forward, then another.
“Joy is about mocking others. Anger is about hurting others unilaterally. Sadness becomes a reason to hurt others. Fun is about taking pleasure in others’ misery. Hatred is about crushing others with malicious fangs. Love is about loving only oneself. That is humanity. That is the heart and emotions that humans possess. A mighty reality that someone as fragile as you cannot even stand against.”
She whispers in her ear.
“—-Give up.”
Invading her heart that has shattered and become fragments.
“Accept reality. Stop throwing tantrums forever. You’re not at an age where you can innocently speak of ideals and pretty words. If you do that, you’ll obtain the power you desire.”
“…………Power?”
“That’s right. The weakness that troubles you, human hearts, reality—with power, you can suppress them all. With strength, you can force everything into submission. You can even trample malice. You can even fulfill your ideals.”
The other Charl’s hand touches her cheek. It coils around her like a snake that captures and never lets go, sinking its fangs in.
“Give up. Accept me. Entrust yourself to me.”
Darkness envelops her entire body. Eroding, Charl’s body gradually dissolves into the darkness.
“You’re tired, aren’t you? It’s alright. You don’t have to think about anything.”
The sensation of being immersed in a stomach, her body slowly being digested.
“Give me everything you are—-“
Guided by the whispered voice, she closes her eyelids.
Charl was already exhausted. When Lucil shattered her heart, her spirit had already been worn down, eroded. By her inability to do anything. By herself, who could only taste helplessness. By the reality that kept pressing upon her. She was utterly exhausted. That’s why she understands. If she accepts this whisper, she can find relief.
All that’s left is to nod. To accept it. To surrender herself to what she believes is her fate.
[—-I just stopped giving up, that’s all.]
She heard a voice.
[I failed, I made mistakes. But I stood up again, faced forward, and started walking again. If I had given up, things would have stayed the same. If I had kept standing still in that place just because I made mistakes, nothing would have changed. Because I stopped giving up, my fate changed……!]
Her beloved’s voice.
[It’s nothing special! If you don’t give up, anyone can change their fate!]
From within her chest, she could hear the voice of her beloved who is still fighting somewhere.
“………………………………No.”
What came from Charl’s worn-down heart was a fragile, weak, yet persistent will of rejection.
“………………………………What?”
“No…………I cannot give everything to you.”
“Why? You should understand too. The malice that people possess. Their malicious hearts. That this is reality.”
“……I understand. How ugly human hearts can be. How mighty, terrifying, and immense the malice hidden within them is.”
With each word of rejection, the darkness thins just slightly.
The weight clinging to her body begins to fade. Strength wells up within her.
“Then you should understand. With power, all malice will bow before you. With strength, all of reality will kneel.”
“……Yes. That too is one truth.”
“Understanding that, yet……”
“But that’s not the kind of power I want.”
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What emerged as light in her chest was the figure of a boy. Black hair. Black eyes. The figure of her beloved.
“It’s true that I wanted power. I wished to become strong. I cursed, resented, and hated my powerless self. But……if it’s power that only suppresses everything, I don’t want it.”
“Then what is the power you desire? Ah, knowing you, you’ll probably say you want power to protect your precious people……right?”
“No. If it’s only power to protect precious people, I don’t want it.”
With each word she spoke, she felt like the light in her chest was gradually growing brighter. She felt like courage was overflowing.
“I want—-both.”
“…………What?”
“Strength is necessary. Power is necessary. There are times when words alone won’t reach anyone. There are times when it’s necessary to use power to suppress malice. Without any strength or power, being powerless, I can’t change anything……I’ve learned that painfully.”
The image of Makina wrapped in flames won’t leave her head. The pain of being burned by her own powerlessness. Anguish. It still remains in her body.
“But that alone isn’t enough. That alone won’t change anything either. So I want the power to protect too. Power to protect precious people. Power to protect someone. A kind of gentle strength that can save and forgive those who have made mistakes. I want both kinds of power.”
“Impossible. Those two cannot coexist.”
“I’ll make them coexist. ……I have to. If that’s the strength I seek.”
“That’s just idealism! Pretty words that avert their eyes from reality! Nonsense spouted by fools!”
“Reality is just maintaining the status quo. It’s always been the challengers spouting pretty words who have made the world better.”
The boy who picked up her book. She has never forgotten the words he gave her. The figure of him, who is surely still fighting now, she could never forget.
“I’ll struggle in reality to fulfill my ideals. Because I dreamed of ideals, I can change reality. Looking only at reality, not even trying to fulfill ideals, giving up on everything from the start……isn’t that what true weakness is?”
“Have you forgotten? The malice of people! The human heart—that ugly thing that repeats mistakes!”
“I haven’t forgotten. Malice too is one aspect of the human heart. But I know that’s not all there is!”
There were times when her heart broke under the malice directed at her. It broke many, many times.
“Joy, anger, sadness, fun, love—they’re not all just the bad aspects you described. Even the heart of hatred can be something born from liking and caring about someone……Human hearts are certainly filled with malice. They’re ugly and frightening. But that’s just one aspect.”
“Why can you say that with such certainty?”
“Because if human hearts were what trampled on me, it was also human hearts that saved me.”
Charl was indeed cornered by malice on that day, that night.
But at the same time, it was also the day she was saved. Alfred helped her. If human hearts contained only malice, the very act of helping someone wouldn’t have been possible.
“Nener-chan certainly fell into hatred. But in the end, she chose the future. Makina-san too, she may have certainly made mistakes. But it wasn’t from malice. …………Because she liked Al-kun. Because she loved him. ……Making mistakes isn’t evil. After all, we’re human. There’s no one who doesn’t make mistakes. There’s no one who isn’t swayed by their heart. Even if we make mistakes, we can stand up from there and start over. Facing our mistakes and our sins, carrying them……as long as we have the will to start over. We can begin walking!”
Charl made mistakes too. Alfred made mistakes too.
They stood up from there and began walking. They’re still in the middle of walking now, and surely everyone is in the middle of standing up and beginning to walk.
“If making mistakes is human, then being able to stand up from there is also human. ……The one thing visible before your eyes isn’t necessarily everything. For example, even if there’s an armed person in front of you trying to kill your family, that alone might not be the truth. They might be threatened. They might have hostages taken. They might be forced to comply.”
“If you keep hypothesizing about the truth, there’ll be no end to it. It’s not realistic.”
“Then I’ll confirm it. Even if I have to use force, I’ll create a situation where I can confirm it. That’s the power I desire. The strength to fulfill pretty words!”
“…………!”
The other Charl distorts her face hatefully.
“I have no intention of accepting you. The strength you speak of is nothing but weakness to me!”
“Nonsense! You’re the weak one!”
“I thought so until a little while ago. ……But now it’s different.”
There was someone who called such a self as her strong. Because she remembered that.
“What……!?”
“I’m grateful. While talking with you, I feel like I’ve understood what kind of strength I seek, what kind of power only I can obtain.”
“There’s no such thing!”
“There is. I’ve known human malice and despair. I know human goodwill and hope. ……Both light and darkness. Both ideals and reality. Both hope and despair. Because I know both, there’s something I can grasp. That’s my unique strength.”
Her confusion cleared. She was able to clear it because there was light shining in her heart.
And that light took the shape of her beloved.
“…………! Why……you, who harbors him, how could you forgive human malice……!”
“—-That’s because she’s stronger than you.”
That voice came from within Charl herself. Light overflowed from her chest, and eventually it transformed into the shape of a person. A girl of light appeared. The figure of a girl in saintly attire bore some resemblance to Charl.
“You are—-Claudia!”
Claudia. That was the name of a saint who once existed in this world.
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