Episode 18 [What is Love]
I’ll be moving to the advanced class next week.
The advanced class building is a short distance away from here. It’s an insignificant distance.
After school on the courtyard bench. Me, Hanazono and Tanaka were waiting for each other. Watching the students prepare for their club activities.
Even though we’re the same students, those in clubs spend a long time at the academy. Sweating together with their friends. It’s youth. Those of us in the go-home club can’t experience the broadened perspective.
There was a time when I wavered between getting a part-time job or joining a club.
In the end, I chose to work part-time also as a learning experience about society. After working part-time, I understood how tough work is. I felt the workplace had a similar atmosphere to school.
I realized that the academy functions as a microcosm of society.
“It’s comforting that Tanaka is in the same class. …Tsuyoshi, I’m glad for you.”
“Yeah…it would’ve been better if Hanazono was in the advanced class too.”
My honest feelings. Although Tanaka will be there, going to an unfamiliar building makes me uneasy.
“No way. My grades are just average and I can only do mediocre in sports.”
“Then, as my escort–“
“What are you saying? …You’ll be fine without me. Even if you make mistakes, you can move forward.”
Hanazono’s beautiful smiling face.
I don’t have interest in people’s beauty or ugliness. Faces of people called celebrities all look the same to me.
I can’t develop affinity through a screen. But Hanazono looks very beautiful right now. Why is that?
“Yo! Sorry for the wait!! Since I don’t have work today, we can finally go home together!”
Tanaka came jogging lightly towards us.
Hanazono waves her hand at Tanaka.
“Haru, good work! Oh wait…your hair isn’t messy today?”
“Hehe, I had a great nap…rushed here straight after waking up!”
“Geez, don’t sleep during class. Huh? Toudo, what’s wrong?”
Hanazono brushes Tanaka’s hair with a comb. Tanaka doesn’t resist even though she appears bothered.
I gaze at the two of them.
For some reason, my heart rate goes up. …An unfamiliar emotion bubbles up faintly.
–Is this the feeling of affection towards friends? Certainly, it resembles the affection I once held for Hanazono, but.
It’s a little different from that time’s emotion. In the first place, the similar emotions I had for–Igarashi and Sasaki too. Just what is this feeling called affection? I’ll organize it in a notebook when I get home.
Tanaka crashes into me with her body. Tanaka’s gentle scent gently wraps around me.
It makes me feel sleepy.
“Hehe, Toudo, see you tomorrow! I’m looking forward to it!”
“…………”
“Huh, are you listening? Haru is talking to you!?”
“Oh, sorry, I’m a little…sleepy.”
When I say that, Tanaka places her hand on my forehead worriedly.
“Toudo, are you okay? Do you have a fever?”
The cool sensation of her hand feels nice. But for some reason, I become very embarrassed.
What is this feeling…I look at Hanazono with a troubled face.
“Hanazono, help me…”
“Hmph, don’t know. Anyway, it’s rare to see you get embarrassed.”
“Doesn’t seem like he has a fever! And getting embarrassed? I don’t get it at all!”
“Look, his ear tips are a little red. Proof that Tsuyoshi is embarrassed.”
I didn’t even know about that fact…Hanazono sure knows a lot about me.
“Got it, Hanazono!”
I stand up from the bench and brace myself. …No problem.
“Hmm, it’s about tomorrow’s d-date.”
“Huh!? It was a date!?”
Tanaka looks at Hanazono in surprise. I also look at Hanazono in confusion.
“Don’t look at me like that you two! When two people go out together, it’s a date! Tsuyoshu, stop fidgeting!”
Hanazono stands up from the bench and starts walking. Tanaka and I follow behind. There is no conversation between us. But for some reason, it felt like Tanaka’s distance was about ten centimeters closer than usual.
My heart beats faster. What is this feeling?
I notice Tanaka looking at my profile.
“…Oh, I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s date…”
Quieter than usual, but her voice resonates directly in my head.
“Y-yeah, I’ll handle it properly–“
I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve used that phrase–
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Walking home with Hanazono scolding us without saying anything…
“–So that’s why I decided to go to the advanced class.”
I explain my circumstances objectively, eliminating emotion.
“I see, in the end Toudo was able to talk normally with his classmates. That’s great!”
“Michiba…that girl really is stupid. But…I can’t really badmouth her.”
“Hanazono, she’s not stupid.”
“…Annoying. Anyway, will this make Michiba become obedient?”
“Hmm, it’s hard to say at this point. The probability is around 50%. Because for someone to change, they likely have to change something fundamental.”
That applies to myself as well.
“–Fundamental? I don’t get it.”
Tanaka tilts her head puzzledly. Yes, very cute.
I continue explaining.
“We’re already high schoolers. We can’t forcibly change someone’s established personality. Even with strong willpower from the person themselves it’s difficult. I think it’s that robust.”
“But, with that Michiba will–“
“I didn’t understand the reason, but Michiba san’s mental state was down. That moment would have been the perfect timing to uplift her spirits.”
Weak creatures cling to words of salvation. I was no different. If, even then, Michiba san didn’t change, it wouldn’t matter to me… No, I should just remember the memories I shared with her. Besides, it’ll be okay. The Michiba san in the memories spent in the library had a nice smile. I don’t know what emotions accompanied it. I don’t know how I felt. But it’ll be okay.
“That, rather than saying she changed…”
“Well, let’s leave Michiba san to Toudou, okay? By the way, Hana-chan, that strap is cute! Look, because I’m like this, cute things don’t suit me, right?”
I react to those words. Shooting a sharp gaze at Tanaka.
“Why? Cute things suit Tanaka because she’s cute. Oh, s-sorry. That just slipped out–“
My inner thoughts spilled out.
“Hyah!? Toudo, that’s embarrassing!”
“S-sorry about that.”
Tanaka and I silently look down.
Hanazono sighs at us with narrowed eyes.
“Geez, why don’t you two flirt already! Toudo, Tanaka is obviously cute right! She’s different from me!”
“No, Hanazono is cute too.”
“Idiot! Don’t say weird stuff!”
Contrary to her energetic words, Hanazono looked just a tiny bit sad.
Am I imagining things?
“–Got it.”
I feel silent pressure from Hanazono as we walk home…
“Well, I’m going this way! See you tomorrow!”
Tanaka waves at us as Hanazono and I see her off.
Hanazono has been quiet since earlier. Did something unpleasant happen? I’m starting to get a little worried.
“Then Hanazono, I’ll leave the final check of the date plan to you.”
“Ah, yeah… anyway, you’ll be fine.”
“Is that so? But I’ll feel uneasy without Hanazono there.”
“Just go.”
Hanazono mutters without energy. I’m worried about Hanazono’s mental state. The reason is unknown to me.
But I can’t move forward without asking. As I walk, I think about how to talk with Hanazono.
“Really, it’ll be fine. It’ll definitely work out better than me…I’m different from you two.”
“Hanazono? What are you saying?”
“No, don’t mind me. Anyway, you like Haru, right?”
–Like? Thinking about Tanaka makes me feel fluffy. Just being together makes me happy. I look forward to tomorrow’s date. I don’t find it troublesome.
“I don’t know.”
“See, your ears are red. And you’re a little agitated right?”
“What the…”
Certainly, talking about Tanaka makes my heart rate go up. It makes me feel a little embarrassed. Is this what this feeling called “like” is?
“I don’t understand.”
“Geez, even if you don’t get it, I can tell! Who do you think has been with you all these years!”
In my memory it’s been four years. Before I can say that, Hanazono speaks rapidly.
“Okay? At the end of the date tomorrow, confess to Haru! You two were close at your part-time job right! It’ll definitely be fine!”
Confess…the act Hanazono tried to get me to do. I ended up trampling all over Hanazono’s feelings.
I couldn’t express myself at all. My chest doesn’t hurt. But a murky feeling wells up. As I search for words, we arrive at my house.
“Contact me after the date ends.”
“Yeah, I’ll be waiting.”
Hanazono doesn’t move. She stays looking down. I hear the sound of deep breaths. Hanazono looks up. Her eyes were striking. I feel the strength of her strong will.
“–You’ll be fine now.”
That’s all Hanazono says before briskly walking to her own home. Her back looked strangely lonely. But I don’t feel anything. …I shoudn’t feel anything but the murkiness doesn’t disappear.
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