Chapter 3: My Worth
Haruya Akasaki.
It was only recently that I started paying attention to him.
I’m not even sure if I was aware of his existence before, but I became interested in him when I realized he had some connection with Sara-chin and Yuna-rin.
Until then, I think I only recognized him as “the boy with long hair.”
Sara-chin is about love. Yuna-rin is about basketball.
So what about me? Nothing.
If Akasaki-kun was involved in their growth, maybe if I got involved with him too…
Indulging in such fantasies, I nominated him for the executive committee.
Saying he seemed to have no ulterior motives was just an excuse I came up with later.
In our class, everyone’s talking about Yuna-rin and Sara-chin now.
I have to stand on the same stage as those first-rate people.
If you ask me why, it’s simple.
— Because I’ll be bullied otherwise.
In middle school, I was a target of bullying.
I had a gloomy personality, but I was good-looking and popular with boys, which was annoying.
That’s why the girls hated me.
If I had been cheerful, there wouldn’t have been any problem, but with my inherently gloomy personality, I got a lot of attention from boys, which made the girls dislike me even more.
The worst among them were the gyaru students.
Those two were like that.
In middle school, all I could do was endure the insidious bullying, but I decided to be reborn in high school.
I came up with two strategies to avoid being bullied:
One was to make my appearance plain and become an ordinary, unremarkable girl.
The other was to place myself at the top of the class hierarchy.
I chose the latter, also as a way to make my high school debut.
Besides, I liked dressing up, so I didn’t want to give that up.
I trained my facial muscles, studied fashion, and acted in a way that wouldn’t let me be looked down upon or bullied.
I carefully selected the students I would be friendly with, targeting two female students, Sahara Himekawa and Yuna Takamori, giving them nicknames to get closer to them.
Sara-chin, Yuna-rin.
Now I quite like how those names sound, but originally, I wasn’t the type to give nicknames to classmates.
I just wanted to show my superiority by giving them nicknames and actively providing them with topics of conversation.
Yes, it was all to avoid being bullied—
But when I started to feel that the two of them were shining brighter than me, I began to panic.
Originally, I was only a pretender.
I knew I couldn’t match up to the real thing.
So I desperately tried to hide that fact, and when I thought about what I could do to get closer to those two… I realized the Eika Festival was approaching.
That’s when the idea of becoming an executive committee member first came to me.
Here, I could make up for the gap that had suddenly appeared.
I had the image that the executive committee would lead the class.
I wasn’t used to showing leadership in front of people, but I acted tough in class while advancing the preparations for the Eika Festival.
It wasn’t my natural personality type, but this wasn’t painful.
If anything, what was painful and difficult was being on the executive committee itself.
The girls from other classes who became executive committee members looked like gyaru, similar to the people who had bullied me, which was troubling.
I would involuntarily shrink back, and the brightness I had been able to show in class would disappear.
Until I got used to the faces, I couldn’t find any positivity.
(… What should I do? I’m so scared.)
What made it even worse was that all the executive committee members were cheerful people. It was inevitable that my presence would become less noticeable. So I panicked and volunteered for the position of vice leader.
I tried to take the lead in class too, but that was only at the beginning.
As Yuna-rin and Sara-chin took on the main roles in the play, my presence in the class also diminished.
So, driven by the obsession that I had to make up for lost ground somehow, I concluded that I had no choice but to focus on the executive committee’s events.
That’s why I volunteered and successfully became the vocalist.
The problem was band practice.
Sayuki Kawada. She had a very scary face, very similar in atmosphere to one of the girls who had bullied me.
I couldn’t help but become timid in front of her, which seemed to irritate her.
“… Sing out more clearly. I can’t believe you volunteered to be the vocalist with that voice.”
My shoulders jerked up involuntarily out of fear.
I have to do my best.
I need to become special in some way, or I won’t be able to stand beside those two.
I can’t let them get any further ahead of me.
Ignoring the sound of my racing heart, I started calling her “Sayucchi.”
After that, I often had to wear down my mental state with unfamiliar tasks, but I decided to do my best.
Yes, all to avoid being bullied—
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“— That’s pretty much it. I got close to Sara-chin and Yuna-rin for my own self-preservation. I nominated Akasaki-kun to the executive committee for the same reason. I just saw their play, and I realized I’m no match for them. I can’t do that. I can’t possibly catch up. It’s inevitable that I’ll regret performing at the live show because I presumptously volunteered for the executive committee and to be the vocalist. Is that enough? I want to be alone to prepare myself for that atonement. So can you leave me alone?”
Rin’s confession was more shocking than Haruya had expected, but as he digested each word, Haruya clenched his fist tightly.
“… No matter what your motives were, I think Kohinata-san is the real deal if you’re following through with it.”
Haruya says in a deliberately gentle voice.
Haruya also uses different masks, so he can’t blame Rin.
“Anyway, after this Eika Festival is over, I’ll quietly retire from being myself. I intend to do my best for the live show, okay? But there’s no way someone like me, who’s so selfish and involves others, can put on the best live show that won’t lose to Sara-chin and Yuna-rin.”
Rin gives me a lonely smile.
It felt like she was trying to convince herself of this.
“— N-No, that’s not—”
“How can you say that after hearing my story?”
“That’s something you’d understand if you asked everyone in class.”
“No. Even you know, don’t you, Akasaki-kun? That even after I decided to do the executive committee event, everyone in class was still only interested in Sara-chin and Yuna-rin.”
Indeed, if she points that out, it hurts.
Everyone in class was only talking about those two’s play, and there were no students bringing up topics about Rin.
“But if we ask now, I’m sure everyone would say that Kohinata-san will put on the best live show, definitely all of them.”
“If you ask, everyone would probably say that. But those words wouldn’t be from their hearts, they’d mostly be just trying to be supportive. If they had been expecting me from the start, it would be unnatural if they hadn’t been talking about it all along.”
“T-That’s—”
For her, the best live show probably means one that doesn’t lose to Sara or Yuna.
That’s a very high hurdle, and Haruya, who had seen those two’s play up close, was at a loss for words.
He tried his best to gather his thoughts and weave them into words.
“… But at least Himekawa-san and Takamori-san must be looking forward to your live show. They must think it will be the best.”
“Hmm. You’re making quite a bold statement, aren’t you, Akasaki-kun?”
Walking out of the meeting room, Rin points her finger straight up.
“Akasaki-kun shouldn’t know Sara-chin and Yuna-rin better than I do. So no matter what you say, my opinion won’t change.”
She exhales and continues.
“Conversely, I don’t understand why you’re so fixated on my live show. I’ll perform in the live show. But I’m just saying I probably can’t match up to those two.”
“But after the Eika Festival is over, you’re going to step down from the spotlight, right, Kohinata-san?”
“Because I’ve been made to realize that I don’t have the right to stand beside those two. I might gradually fade out. But you’re not in a position to say that, are you, Akasaki-kun?”
“… Ugh.”
As Haruya stumbled over his words, Rin let out a light sigh.
Moving to the classroom entrance, she puts her hand on the door.
“Thanks for listening to my story. But I’m not a beautiful person, so—”
Surely, Rin is about to head off to live show practice.
Checking the time, it’s about time to start preparing for that.
Is it okay to let her go to live show practice like this?
Is it alright to let her stand in a place where bullies are likely waiting, while she’s in this negative state of mind?
To let her go when she’s given up on putting on the best live show…
Think. Think. Think.
That lonely smile doesn’t suit her.
‘How can I make her believe in herself?’
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