Part 2
Chapter 9: Sasami’s Frantic Run
I was running. It was a nighttime jog. The pace was slower than usual. My body wasn’t moving well. That day, I had pushed myself to the absolute limit to recover my memories of Tanaka. My body was not supposed to be okay after that. Afterwards, when I was sharing my joy with Tanaka, I had passed out.
…This was the third time I had passed out in my life. It’s not a very pleasant feeling.
When I came to, I found myself sleeping in my own apartment.
As soon as I woke up, I asked Tanaka what had happened. It seems that when I passed out, Shimafuji suddenly showed up. And Shimafuji had carried me back to my apartment.
According to Tanaka, Shimafuji [was so flustered, saying He passed out…? That’s impossible. He’s the strongest guy I know. Toudou, pull yourself together! You’re like a big brother to me!]
Tanaka told me this while laughing.
I was very happy to hear that.
I had been worried that I would have lost my memories again when I woke up… The headache was getting worse. But if my memories had returned, it didn’t matter. Making amends is simply part of the process.
I loved running. It was just the right activity to organize my thoughts. Starting from Ichigaya, my running route went through the familiar Toyosu area, and then looped around the seaside district. I really liked that wide road.
“…My memories have returned, but the reset feelings haven’t come back yet.”
I had regained the memories of Tanaka that were engraved in my soul. But if I had slipped up, I could have ended up a vegetable. The reset emotions. …In fact, since I had erased them, maybe they were just gone now? I wondered.
However, I recognized Tanaka as an important person to me. Being with her made me feel warm and my heart would race.
“Even if the old feelings don’t come back, there are new feelings now. I must be moving forward.”
Even if I had erased the affection, the emotions didn’t disappear. So that’s fine for now.
This world is full of difficult things for me.
Yet, I’ve started to feel like I’m enjoying it.
I’ve made friends – every day is lively.
There are still many things I want to avert my eyes from, but everyone is living.
“Whew, that’s enough for today–“
I stopped running and looked out at the sea. This was a wide pedestrian path along the coast in the Ariake district. I stepped off the road and sat down on the embankment. It was the perfect place to take it easy.
This was my favorite time. My heart felt at peace. The sounds of insects and the scent of the grass reminded me of the memories of surviving in the wilderness.
It was nostalgic to think about being told to survive for a month with no tools or anything. I had thought I was alone, but Shimafuji was there with me too. He was a crybaby and a little slow-witted.
Due to the impact of the reset, I had only partially recalled those lost memories. There were still many incomprehensible, fragmented pieces, but I must be moving forward somehow.
Suddenly, I heard familiar footsteps coming from the road.
It was a rhythmic, powerful running stride.
Checking the time, I remembered this was around when the person living in the nearby housing complex would come by.
When I looked to confirm the person, it was Sasami running with a serious expression.
Her form was beautiful. She had been practicing the advice I gave her. But her breathing was ragged. Even in the darkness, I could tell she was holding back sobs, with tears streaming down her face.
Why was Sasami crying?
The time I spent with her made me aware of what normal was.
Sasami Misami. The cute underclassman was no longer there. But was that really okay?
“No.”
Empathizing with others’ feelings comes with pain. I won’t reset my emotions again. I realized that was just running away.
Everyone lives carrying some kind of pain.
That’s – normal. As I watched Sasami’s back, that’s what I thought.
**
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I, Sasami Misami, am alone in the classroom.
“Hey, Sasami-chan, won’t you come back to the track team? You were so dedicated, you know…”
Nakajima from the track team is talking to me. Nakajima is a really kind, good kid, unlike me.
Our class had a lot of track team members. I was an ex-member. I was just a hated teacher’s pet.
“–Eh? I was hated, wasn’t I? I can’t go back, haha.”
“Sasami-chan……, that’s not true at all! Everyone wants you to come back.”
That’s not true. No one else besides this girl has talked to me.
I’m a problem child who quit the club midway. My class standing plummeted instantly. The world of children is really incomprehensible. Just quitting the club made me looked down upon…… There must be some invisible thing that the adults don’t see, existing among the children.
I wonder what it is. That just quitting the club creates a wall, a class system – it’s a strange atmosphere. I didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone else is working hard at their clubs, but only I quit. As soon as one person speaks up, everyone else falls in line. Gradually, the atmosphere solidifies into a mass, permeating outwards. And I ended up all alone.
It’s lunchtime now, and I’m eating the small bento I made myself. It’s a bento made by carefully calculating how to keep food costs down by buying discounted items at the supermarket. ……I don’t really care about how it looks. But my mom said it’s delicious. Yeah, maybe next time I’ll get Michiba senpai to teach me how to cook. She’s the daughter of a chef, so she’s probably better at it than me.
Before I quit the club, my classmates would gather around me during lunchtime.
But now, there’s no one.
I can hear the whispers and mocking from the girls in my class. They’re laughing at and bullying me, the student who got on senpai’s bad side and caused trouble. I don’t know, it just stings a little in the depths of my heart. But compared to what I did to my senpai……
The gossip doesn’t really matter. I need to stay strong.
I just want to be able to run.
Running, running, all I want is for Toudou senpai to see how I’ve grown someday. So,
“Nakajima-san, it’s fine now. If you keep associating with me, you’ll get ostracized too.”
I hear a voice from the classroom doorway calling out to Nakajima-san. It’s some other members of the track team. I feel a little awkward and avert my gaze. ……I know I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. It’s just so difficult to stay strong.
“Ah, wait a sec! I’m coming now. ……Sasami-chan, see you later–“
Nakajima-san leaves, going away from me. I’m truly alone now.
It’s okay, being alone is actually easier right now. “Phew…” I let out a sigh.
I don’t have the ability to be in the special class with all the prodigies. I’m just a regular girl.
I have no talent at all. ……I just got lucky to cross paths with Toudou senpai. That’s why I have to work hard.
Eating my bento alone doesn’t make me sad or lonely. Toudou senpai must have been much more heartbroken.
Somehow, Toudou senpai has become my new standard.
Toudou senpai I hurt. No words can express the regret I feel.
Thinking about it makes my chest ache.
–I’m okay. I’m ordinary, but my heart is strong.
So, even if I can never speak to Toudou senpai again, it’s fine. Being alone in the class is fine too. Running is my atonement. I don’t know if it’s wrong or right. But I’ll feel suffocated if I don’t run.
……But my stomach is starting to hurt a little. My bento still has some left, let me go to the restroom. I leave my bento on the desk and get up.
When I come back to the classroom, the track team girls have stopped talking. They have an unpleasant smile on their faces.
When I joined, I was friendly with them too, and we’d chat during lunch break.
There were a lot of silly conversations, but there was a sense of camaraderie? Through the club activities, we became friends.
But now, there’s no one around me.
Being alone makes the heart strong.
I’m not putting on a brave front at all. Because Toudou senpai must have suffered much more–
I look at my desk. The bento box is gone. It’s fallen to the floor……. The contents are scattered. I searched so hard at the supermarket to find cheap ingredients and put my whole heart into making this bento.
The sadness overwhelms the anger.
“Ah, sorry Sasami, I bumped into it and it fell.”
“…I see.”
The former track team girl casually tells me, without any guilt. She doesn’t seem inclined to clean it up. I don’t care. I wish she would apologize to my mom instead. The sadness just won’t go away. I’m poor and hungry, and……
I push down those feelings and pick up the bento box. The lid is cracked and broken. ……What will I tell my mom? It’s the bento box I’ve been using since I was a kid. Damn, don’t think about it.
I silently start gathering the scattered food.
A male classmate, Samejima-kun, who I don’t really talk to much, comes over.
“Sasami, I brought a cleaning rag.”
“Ah, thank you.”
“Hehe, it’s no big deal. I’ll help you out, so let’s go to karaoke together next time. You’re probably bored since you quit the track team, right?”
I thought I’d felt a little kindness from someone. ……But I quickly realized it was different. Samejima is only looking at my chest. His ulterior motives are creepy. But I still swallow my anger. Because getting upset here won’t do anything, and I can’t do anything about it. I suppress my emotions.
“……The rag, thanks. I’ll pass on the karaoke.”
“Huh? I’m trying to help you out here, and you’re still like that? Unbelievable, haha.”
Is this not malice, nor kindness, what is it? It’s so difficult. What should I do?
“……Sorry.”
……I want to see Michiba-san.
Michiba-san works so hard. She’s studying so desperately, even though she’s not very smart.
I’m just hopeless. I need to try harder.
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