“Rafine.”
I called to Rafine as she cheerfully took my hand and tried to pull me along.
Rafine’s uplifted face looked really happy, and seeing that stung my chest a little.
In a way, this chance had come at just the right time. If there is a God, maybe he arranged this scene for me… I really don’t want to.
I slowly unclasped our joined hands and said.
“We need to talk.”
A few tens of minutes later, we had moved out of the back alley and arrived at a certain place.
“Wow…what a beautiful view! The wind feels so nice!”
“Yeah…”
I reply vaguely to Rafine’s excitement as she looks at the scenery.
This is the Clock Tower. A place overlooking the city, built in the center of Librehero.
Up here on the top floor, Rafine and I let the occasional gentle breeze ruffle our hair as we gazed at the beautiful cityscape.
There were a few other tourists here and there admiring the view and gasping like us.
Since Rafine said it was one of the last places she wanted to visit, we came to check it out, but…I almost never saw this landscape. I was always lost in thoughts of other things and didn’t have the space to look.
Rafine thanks me for this.
“Thank you for today! It’s thanks to Sir Jirei that I had so much fun!”
“Nah, I was just… going along.”
Rafine says this, but I didn’t do anything. I just went along as I was told, I didn’t try to entertain them or anything.
But Rafine says it’s thanks to me.
She makes a happy face just by being with me.
…Ah, not good. I can’t take it anymore. I am at my limit.
Every time she thanks me like this, I feel terribly uncomfortable. Inexplicable emotions swirl in my chest, making me want to run away right now… but I can’t. I mustn’t.
“Rafine.”
So I opened my mouth and forced the words out.
“I have something to say.”
“What is it? Oh, could it be about the wedding? If so, the preparations are already…”
“It’s important.”
“….Important?”
Seeing me speak while looking straight into her eyes, Rafine seemed to sense the mood from my posture and stopped joking, her lips tightly pursed. She waited for my words with a serious expression on her face.
Without a doubt, Rafine is an attractive woman.
She cares so much for me, willing to give her body to serve me. But she also has a strong core, not overly dependent. As a person and as a woman, there’s no way she’s not charming.
But…that’s why, because she’s charming – she can’t be with me.
“I’m…a good-for-nothing, hopeless, lazy bastard.”
I muttered the words.
“I don’t want to do annoying things and would like to sleep all day if I could. I only think about myself and run away from anything inconvenient. Even if I had power, I would only use it for myself and wouldn’t lift a finger. Normally, I’m the kind of person you should hate.
Rafine just listened in silence.
“That’s why I don’t understand. Why you are all attracted to me… I can’t understand at all why Rafine, Eve, Leti, Wed, Cain, you are attracted to a bum like me… even though I said it’s all your misunderstandings.”
Rafine didn’t answer.
Clutching my aching chest, I continued to speak.
“I’m tired of it. Because of all your admiration, I feel like I’ve become a fraud. I’m suffocating from the false image of myself that has been forced upon me.
I’m just a D-rank adventurer. A guy who only thinks about being lazy despite having some brawn. I’m not the hero Rafine and the others think I am.
“You like me? How can you tell? What part of an unpleasant, annoying guy who doesn’t even accept good will do you like?”
I spat violently. Reject, dismiss.
“I’ve never liked anyone. I don’t have anyone important, the only important thing has always been me. Everything else doesn’t matter. Even helping was only incidental.
I don’t understand the feelings of Rafine and the others. I don’t understand feelings of love and liking someone.
That’s why I can’t answer Rafine’s feelings.
If I can’t imagine a future where I care about someone, then things like dating and marriage are insincere. The more serious and genuine Rafine’s feelings are, the more out of balance they are with a frivolous, irresponsible guy like me. It can’t be balanced.
“….From now on, stop…minding me.”
The dejected Rafine made my chest ache as if it were creaking. I wanted to flee the scene at that moment.
But that would only repeat everything that has happened so far.
I spat out the refusing words from my hoarse throat.
“So… don’t bother with me anymore.”
I heard a small, swallowed breath.
Rafine said nothing and remained dejected. For a few minutes, she just remained bowed in silence.
I couldn’t see her expression.
But the deep wrinkles in her crushed clothes told of Rafine’s emotions.
This is for the best.
If I don’t reject her clearly, it won’t be good for me or for Rafine. After we’ve continued this relationship, it would be too late for her to be disappointed and regret it. Irreparable.
READ THE ORIGINAL TRANSLATION AT GADGETIZEDPANDA.COM
I don’t want a superficial solution like “take responsibility and date her”. If I don’t have feelings for Rafine, I can’t date her with lies. That would be too dishonest for the serious Rafine.
“I should have said this earlier….Sorry.”
The dejected Rafine didn’t answer.
After a while she opened her mouth.
“….No.”
A word of refusal.
She shook her head vigorously from side to side, indicating her refusal.
“No, that’s not it. Even if we’re together after this–“
“It’s not a misunderstanding.”
“Huh?”
Rafine looked up, her lips tightly pursed, and stared straight at me.
“It’s a misunderstanding. I’m not a pure, cool, kind prince like in picture books.”
“No, it’s not a misunderstanding.”
Rafine stubbornly insisted.
“At first I wondered if he might be different from my image. But being by your side, I realized that I was wrong. Sir Jirei’s kindness is the same as when we first met, and seeing you now only makes me love you more. So… there’s no misunderstanding.”
“Stop it already. That’s just what you arbitrarily think.”
“No, you’re wrong. Sir Jirei is a kind person.”
Rafine clearly denied my words.
“I am not what you think I am. I’m scum, irresponsible…”
“Then why don’t you reject me more strongly?”
Rafine gave me a hard look.
“Why did you bother to say that to me? Why don’t you leave without a word? Why – do you care about me?”
“…… That’s…”
“Please tell me. If Sir Jirei is irresponsible and only cares about himself, then why–do you care about not hurting me?”
The words didn’t come out right away.
I spat out an answer as if wringing it out.
“….It’s for my sake.”
“For you? What do you mean?”
“I do it because I don’t want to feel bad. So it’s for my sake.”
“I see. Then everything I do is also for my own sake. Returning lost things, helping someone – because I wanted to do it and I did it for myself.”
I could only let out a breath, unable to refute, though I wanted to.
The wind from the clock tower ruffled her hair, and Rafine smiled slightly.
“Let me talk about something from a while ago.”
She began to speak nostalgically.
“A long time ago, when I was little… I met Sir Jirei at our secret base, and after some time passed. That day, I went to give something to Sir Jirei. What do you think it was?”
“…..”
“The correct answer is a birthday invitation card. To my party of course? I really wanted Sir Jirei to come, so I wrote an invitation in my bad handwriting and gave it to you. I confidently invited you like [It’s my birthday, so I’ll throw you a party!]”
Rafine says, “Fufu, looking back, it’s a little embarrassing.
“But in the end… you declined. You said [I have plans, so I can’t go]. Of course I was upset. I was in a bad mood, wondering why you didn’t want to come.”
“……”
“It was my birthday and Father prepared a party in a big room in another house. Many people came and everyone celebrated me. But when Father had to leave for work…one by one, people started to leave their seats – until no one was left.”
Rafine shook her eyes a little sadly and continued.
“Everyone was probably only interested in Father. They didn’t want to humor me, the problem child, always causing trouble, born of another mother.”
“……”
“[I’m not lonely], [this happens every year], I acted tough. But really I was very lonely and sad. There was a feast laid out, but I was the only one in the room, I felt so terribly lonely I thought I might cry.”
Rafine lifts her face and says, “But…just then…”
“Sir Jirei came. There was a knock at the window, and when I went to see, you were there. You said you left your plans early and came, you started eating the feast by the handful without permission… I found it so funny that I couldn’t stop laughing.
Rafine laughs, as if remembering something funny, and covers her mouth.
“I didn’t feel lonely anymore. I was so glad that Sir Jirei came, so glad that I wasn’t alone, that it blew away my gloom.”
Giggling, she continues.
“I guess that was when I started to like you. I was aware of it after you saved me from the bandits, but… I really liked you a lot as a child. Marriage pacts and… fufu, how nostalgic.”
“…..”
“Sir Jirei saved me from my loneliness. Like a fairy tale prince, you gently saved my heart.”
Finally, I opened my mouth and spoke words.
“….It’s a misunderstanding. You only think that because I saved you. I only saved you to become a hero, nothing more.”
“You are wrong. It’s not just because you saved me.”
“Stop it. I say it’s a misunderstanding.”
“No, you’re wrong. Sir Jirei’s good points are the same as before. To meet again like this and fall even more in love, it’s definitely not a misunderstanding.”
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