I had thoroughly prepared for the festival beforehand. I had plenty of small change ready, and wore traditional shoes. The night before, I had stayed up late reading books about festivals all over Japan, excited to experience it.
The people at the festival all seemed to be enjoying themselves. Just like in the videos. Families, friends, lovers – everyone was laughing and smiling. Eating candied apples, playing games, laughing while catching goldfish, dancing the Bon dance.
But I just stood there, unable to join them.
I walked back and forth in front of the food stalls, trying to buy something, but I could only clench the money in my hand without being able to buy anything.
I felt guilty for enjoying myself without Hanazono. Even though I had been looking forward to the festival, I didn’t feel happy at all. I felt lonely, sad, alone – a jumble of emotions I couldn’t understand.
[Hey bro, you’ve been standing alone this whole time. Here, you should get this.]
[Ah, no, I’m-]
[C’mon, it’s super delicious. Here you go.]
The stall owner handed me a candied apple. Nervously, I paid for it, and found myself heading back home.
Trudging back to my apartment, I saw–
Hanazono waiting in front of my place.
Her face was flushed with fever, looking uncomfortable.
She was wearing a different outfit – a yukata.
I thought she looked… really beautiful, despite my hesitation.
[Ah, I just thought you might be lonely by yourself! But it’s not for you or anything! I just wanted to wear it… cough Wait, are you crying?! Idiot, you’re going to drop the apple!]
At that time, I couldn’t understand my own heart.
The moment I heard Hanazono’s words, sweat started pouring down my face. It wouldn’t stop. It was my first time experiencing this, and I didn’t know what to do. But I just thought about not letting Hanazono get worse. I gave the candied apple I was holding to Hanazono.
[Are you giving this to me…? Hmph! Not bad for you, Tsuyoshi! …Hehe]
And then, I was pulled by the hand… Hanazono’s father and mother spread out a futon near the porch, with troubled expressions on their faces. Hanazono lay down still wearing the yukata.
The sounds of the festival in the distance could be heard. The noisy sounds felt like a gentle breeze today.
As I listened to those sounds, I kept watching Hanazono in the yukata. Something was stirring deep within my heart at that moment. I didn’t know what it was, but someday I’m sure I’ll understand it.
[What, you’re just staring at my face. Hey, what is it? Do you like me?]
[I see, this is the feeling called affection… I didn’t know about it until now.]
[Cough, cough! Ah, what are you saying! Idiot!]
[Hanazono, don’t force yourself. Don’t get up from the futon. …No, why are you hiding under the futon?]
Through the gap in the futon, I could see Hanazono’s flushed, happy face.
[It’s nothing, okay! Next time, we’ll go to the festival together.]
[…Ah, of course.]
Just from that exchange, I realized that the festival was something special to me.
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My consciousness is brought back to reality.
My footsteps stop in the hallway–
A sudden memory that appears outside of my consciousness is disturbing my heart.
“Ah, I see. Hanazono is an amazing girl…”
It’s not just Hanazono. Tanaka is the same. The foolish me who reset everything is trying to rebuild a relationship from scratch.
It’s a painful and sorrowful endeavor.
–The affection I reset. Emotions that will never come back. The new relationship with Hanazono that started from the reset. I thought that was normal for me.
A thud echoes in the hallway. …I had unconsciously slammed my fist against the wall. Anger at myself. My emotions are unstable.
It’s painful, I really hate this feeling. I’ve reset this painful experience many times.
If I reset, it will become easier–
Suddenly, my attention is drawn to the supplements in my pocket. The ones I’ve been taking after meals. Where did I get these?
“Supplements for maintaining health… No, this is–“
If I take these, I’ll feel better. I know that. These were the drugs for my “reset”.
The image of Hanazono in the yukata won’t leave my mind. Thinking about it makes me feel a sense of guilt that tears my heart apart.
I take the drugs in my hand and–
I throw them out the window in the hallway with all my might.
This pain is much milder than the suffering of Hanazono and Tanaka.
I can understand the feelings I had at that festival a little bit.
I wanted to go to the festival with Hanazono.
I wanted to cherish that moment. I understood the importance of the time spent with someone I love.
…The past cannot be returned to, even with my ability. Time is an irreversible concept.
So, I just want to cherish the time I spend with Tanaka and Hanazono as much as possible. That’s why I was looking for Tanaka. My actions and my heart are in sync. Even if my emotions are gone, even if my memories are gone, Tanaka is a very important girl to me.
I start moving my stopped feet.
I step forward with force. The pain doesn’t go away. That’s what being a normal human is like.
And at that moment, goosebumps rose all over my body.
I heard a voice. A small voice. Tanaka’s singing voice.
Someone is singing in a muffled room. My hearing is very good. Probably only I can hear it.
I decided to head towards the direction of the voice.
The singing voice spilling out from the room. I was listening to Tanaka’s singing from outside the door.
The emotionally charged voice resonates in my heart. The pain I felt just a moment ago disappeared as if it was a lie.
I want to open the door and listen, but Tanaka will be surprised.
I decided to keep my eyes closed and wait until she finishes singing.
I opened the door wide and tried to call out to Tanaka–
But I froze in front of the opened door.
“…Tanaka?”
Tears were flowing from Tanaka’s eyes after the song ended.
Her appearance is familiar. It’s the same as when I reset Tanaka’s feelings for me. Just two weeks ago.
“Ah!? Wh-why are you here…? Ugh, how embarrassing. Sniff…”
“Ah, I’m sorry…”
I turn my back, and I can hear the sound of Tanaka wiping her face with a handkerchief.
“Yeah, I’m fine now! Ah, is it already lunchtime? Ahaha, I always forget.”
My heart was pounding. Seeing Tanaka’s tears, my chest felt painfully constricted.
“Hmm, I don’t think I’m good for today.? Toudou, you and Hana-chan can eat together.”
“Damn no.”
I immediately answered.
I, who was supposed to act rationally, followed my instincts.
“Huh? What, Toudou?”
“Oh, I… I don’t like it if Hanazono and Tanaka aren’t together. …Sorry, it’s just my selfishness. And… I want Hanazono and Tanaka to get along well.”
Since the day I reset Tanaka, I’ve felt like something was off. It’s not just about me. I could sense a strange atmosphere between Tanaka and Hanazono.
Tanaka let out a small laugh and a sigh.
“Ah… I’m already close friends with Hana-chan, you know? I want to eat with Toudou too, but I’m not in the mood today, –Eh? Toudou?”
I approached the puffy-eyed Tanaka.
Tanaka seemed surprised to see my face.
“I can understand what Tanaka is genuinely saying. I don’t sense any deception from Tanaka. …But the emotions in her voice… something feels different. I don’t like that. So with Hanazono…”
Even though I erased the memories, I could tell that the relationship between the two friends was odd. The changes in tone, body temperature, and subtle facial expressions – the accumulation of these things creates a sense of discomfort.
I want my feelings to reach Tanaka. It might just be my selfishness. But — I don’t know how long this peaceful life will last. That’s why I want Tanaka and Hanazono to get along well.
I can’t put my thoughts into words properly.
“Tanaka–“
So I called Tanaka’s name with my feelings.
Tanaka had her eyes closed for a while.
Then, she opened them —
“…Okay, I understand. You’re right… I’ll talk to Hana-chan properly. –Toudou, thanks! You’re really amazing, you know! By the way, did you really reset me? I’m so happy to see the same face as before…”
My mental recognition isn’t working well. Tanaka’s words sounded a bit hazy. But judging from her expression, it seems to have gone well.
Seeing the Tanaka in front of me makes my heart race. This feeling is different from just affection. That much I understand. The time I’ve built up is what I destroyed. Still, something inside me is stirring. I don’t need to understand it. Don’t think with your head.
My body started moving on its own.
“Then, let’s go, Tanaka.”
I gently took Tanaka’s hand. …I noticed the temperature of my face rising. I see, the simple act of holding hands can be embarrassing.
“Eh…, ah…, yeah! Let’s go! Ah, on the way back, I’ll borrow Hana-chan! Just for a day, okay?”
“Understood. You two enjoy a delicious juice–“
We walked down the hallway, holding hands the whole way.
I’m acutely aware of Tanaka’s body temperature being transmitted through her palm. Tanaka is no longer crying. Just that is enough to calm my heart. And before I knew it, the pain in my chest had receded into the depths.
“Hey, you know, a smiling Toudou is the most natural-looking, isn’t it?”
“Oh, am I smiling now?”
“Your face is relaxed!”
“Is that so… That’s a very good thing.”
I touch my own face. It’s true that my expression has changed. …Just that simple act, just that little, and I’m ashamed of myself for being unable to do more, and I’m embarrassed to look at Tanaka’s face, who is happy about it–.
And I felt like a [switch] had been turned on in my heart.
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