Tanaka was gazing into the distance. Walking hand-in-hand over there was a small boy and girl. It was a very gentle look.
“In middle school I think, I walked to school with a neighborhood boy. Then suddenly a rumor spread that we were dating–, even when I denied it the boy didn’t deny it, so I had to expressly say I didn’t like him… I didn’t get it at all? Even though he hadn’t confessed to me or anything [I thought we might be dating based on the atmosphere] and stuff like that.”
I was surprised that such an episode existed. Tanaka continued as I stayed silent.
“The guy from the karaoke earlier was like that too. He was a friendly upperclassman but he suddenly started calling me his girl… I got pissed so I went to his classroom in the upper grades and violently rejected him… A lot of stuff like that happened.”
Tanaka let out a sigh.
“Unbelievable right? Even though I look easygoing and people say I seem like I play around…”
“That’s not true. I [believe Tanaka].”
“Yeah, thank y–“
That’s right, if we talk we can understand. I felt my heart settle down more than before.
“Is that why Tanaka doesn’t make friends?”
“Yeah, human relationships are troublesome. At work I only chat with Toudou and the chef right? Oh, I’m nice to my little brother though? He really likes me so he’s always driving me around, protecting me, stuff like that. He’s a good kid.”
“Why were you able to become friends with me? Is it because I’m abnormal?”
“Um… at first Toudou, I didn’t really understand what you were thinking, and you did actions outside common sense…it was really annoying. But as I interacted with you bit by bit I realized. Toudou’s heart is really beautiful. I’d never met anyone like that before.”
–My heart is beautiful? I’m a dirty human. I can’t do anything. I don’t have the power to save anyone.
“I’m not that kind of beautiful person.”
“Ahaha, you can’t evaluate yourself! It’s what I felt after watching Toudou all this past year.”
Saying that, Tanaka let out a sigh.
“To be honest, I was really jealous of Hanazono the whole time. I mean, Hanazono did stuff like eat together with Toudou, go shopping together, all kinds of stuff. I looked forward to hearing about it at work but it gradually became painful. Even so I thought, I want her to reconcile with Toudou soon~~! And then…”
“My reset–“
“Yeah, I don’t really get the reset, but seeing Toudou talking with Hanazono, I thought I wanted them to make up. So I cheered you on.”
That time huh.
Certainly, without Tanaka’s push I might have never spoken to Hanazono again.
Without interacting with Tanaka I would have coldly cut myself off from Michiba and Sasami too. That would be–sad.
Tanaka reached out her hand and stood up.
Just a few seconds probably. Tanaka closed her eyes and slowly opened them.
Tanaka’s opened eyes felt like they had a very strong will and determination. It was as if her eyes were blazing.
“Umm! I got a ton of energy today so I’ll be fine! Oh, I might have misunderstood Toudou’s feelings. Ahaha, I really am stupid huh. Even though you don’t feel that way at all. Toudou is suited for Hanazono so, um, I’m going home now.”
Why did Tanaka turn her face away from me? Turn her back to me?
“Tanaka?”
“Toudou…if you do have feelings for me, absolutely don’t misunderstand. I, don’t feel anything for Toudou–at all–“
Why was Tanaka’s voice shaking? Why was Tanaka’s body temperature rising? What should I say?
Just earlier I felt I could understand the karaoke incident after hearing Tanaka’s story. I was planning to walk home together, talk about what happened today, and confess my feelings to Tanaka. But was it all just my misunderstanding…
My heart hurts. It’s painful. I hate this pain–
“Bye bye, don’t ask me out on dates anymore… Since we’re just friends. Cherish Hana-chan.”
Her words cut into my heart even more. It was very painful, hurt, sad, and lonely–
I could only watch Tanaka’s back as she ran away.
Scenes of my memories with Tanaka played through my head.
Tanaka when we first met. Our workplace where we spent time together. Her expression when she said she wanted to be friends.
I made some kind of mistake. But I don’t know what that mistake is. Tanaka had already gone home.
Why did she go home? Things were going well until the karaoke. Why did Tanaka suddenly start disliking me?
Changing perspectives–
How do I feel about Tanaka?
“Tanaka is kind, adorable, and even though I don’t know the presence of blood relatives, if I had a mother, she would probably be someone like Tanaka. Thinking about Tanaka made me happy. The thought of seeing Tanaka at work made me happy. Having a meal with Tanaka at school made me happy.”
With just our hands touching, just smelling her scent, my heart rate becomes abnormal.
My chest hurts. My chest hurts. My chest hurts so much. Resetting would make it feel better. Erasing my feelings for Tanaka would make the pain disappear.
Tanaka must have come to dislike me.
Were my feelings for Tanaka fake? It’s different from the manipulated affection in elementary school. These feelings aren’t fake at all. They were cultivated over time. But it’s painful, so. I looked up at the ceiling. I put my hand to my chest. And, I’ll reset–
Suddenly, an impact came to my back. It was my first time being grabbed from behind so I was shaken. I turned around to look behind the sofa and Hime was there. The puppy was on my back.
“Hey, Toudou what are you spacing out for! Hurry up and go after her!”
“Arf arf, arf arf!!”
I was surprised by Hime’s sharp words. The puppy at my ear was also scolding me.
“Why should I go after her?”
“Huh? Wasn’t that girl crying?
“But, even if you say go after her I don’t know what to say to Tanaka right now.”
“Haa~~~, I don’t know what your relationship is but just convey your honest feelings!”
“My…feelings.”
“Arf!”
“That’s right! Anyway, that girl, she’s fast! You won’t catch up at this rate–“
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My feelings. My high speed thinking activated. To me, Tanaka is?
She is a precious friend and…She’s my favorite girl.
I felt an urge to shout. This was the first time I’ve felt this way–
My feet started moving on their own.
I needed to catch up with Tanaka as fast as possible. If I didn’t convey my feelings I would regret it.
I had to get to Tanaka’s side even one second faster–
“Wai–“
“Arf–“
Hime and the puppy’s voices cut off. I’ll thank them for pushing my back later.
The shopping center was open passageway style with interior hallways. Tanaka had already passed through the exit of the shopping center. The search for the shortest route was complete.
I conveyed the maximum power to the floor from my feet. The most important thing to me right now was catching up to Tanaka. I ran as if jumping from the third floor escalator in front of me.
–No obstacles, footing secured, landed on second floor, absorbed impact.
How stupid can I be. Only thinking about myself, not understanding Tanaka’s feelings at all. Recall Tanaka’s face then. She had a pained, hurt expression.
I don’t want to make Tanaka have that kind of face.
It’s because I love Tanaka with all my heart.
–Accelerate, jump over open passageway railing, absorb impact, successful five point landing, arrived on first floor.
Resets are no good. Thinking alone is no good. Because Tanaka is my precious friend. Don’t run away from the problem in front of you. If I can’t catch up to Tanaka here, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
–Crowd near the entrance, reroute reconstruction, spatial recognition, overall prediction.
At some point I had stopped genuinely living. That’s why things don’t go well with Hanazono, Tanaka, Michiba, or Sasami.
Tanaka’s figure was already no longer near the shopping center entrance. Once she’s out on the streets it will be difficult to find her. But I won’t give up.
I slipped through the crowd near the entrance
— “Filming a movie?” “A stuntman maybe?” “Is the camera rolling?” “Someone fell!” “Papa, someone’s flying!”
People’s voices faded away with the scenery.
My gaze caught sight of Tanaka’s back as she walked in the distance. My heart leaps up. I, who has never felt fear before, feel like I’m shaking. I’m scared of interacting with people. I’m scared of Tanaka disliking me.
[But you’ll be fine now]
Hanazono’s words floated up. Courage welled up inside me. My heart’s voice started speaking on its own.
“Tanakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I love you so much Tanaka!”
Tanaka, who was halfway across the intersection, looks back. Tanaka’s figure grows closer and closer. Just a little more distance.
I can tell with my eyesight. Her eyes were wet with tears. Her mouth was moving. I read her lips. [You can’t come here. I don’t want you to see me cry.]
I hesitate for just a moment. What should I say when I catch up?
I punch myself in the face
— No more hemming and hawing. I just need to convey my feelings. The past doesn’t matter. My past is a terrible thing anyway. I’m going to build a future with Tanaka.
At that moment, I felt a sensation like my whole body was bristling. My spatial recognition sounded an alert. My high-speed thinking formulated a prediction. My mind dispassionately stated just the facts.
The traffic light was blinking. The truck not slowing down in my peripheral vision. The half-asleep driver. The probability of an accident happening to Tanaka is 99.9%.
That’s no good. Please. Stop.
Tanaka is precious to me. Don’t take her away. [ having precious things taken away from me] is what I hate.
I restructure the calculations. With my current physical abilities there’s no way I can definitely catch up.
Tanaka will be hit by the truck in a matter of seconds.
Tanaka will get hurt. Tanaka will disappear. Tanaka will —
My mind felt like it was short-circuiting. No matter how many times I calculate, there’s no way to make it in time. My reason tells me to give up.
But my remaining 0.1% instinct said otherwise.
[Reset]
Erasing my emotions isn’t the only reset.
If I go beyond my limits in exchange for [something] in my mind, that’s fine.
If Tanaka is saved then whatever happens to me is fine. Even if my body and heart break, that’s fine.
Without any more hesitation, I reset [something]
— I feel a sensation like my brain is exploding. I feel an abnormality in the flow of my blood. Blood is flowing from my eyes and nose. My body temperature is rising sharply. A burning smell spreads through my mouth.
The scenery around me fades away completely. The muscles I’ve trained tear apart. Even blocking the pain, the extraordinary agony is carved into my soul.
But still, I reach out my hand. Beyond my own limits
— for the sake of the person I love most.
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