Prologue
“Uh… Ah… Where am I…? Yukito?”
In a hazy state of consciousness, my beloved son looked at me.
“Oh, you’re awake. Mom, are you thirsty? You have dark circles under your eyes.”
I had been put to bed without realizing it. I should have been in the living room.
I took a sip of the refreshing drink my son had brought me and quenched my thirst.
“I was really worried when you suddenly collapsed. It seems like you didn’t get enough sleep, but are you okay?”
He stopped me from getting up. His casual kindness made me happy.
“I’m sorry… I’ll make breakfast right away.”
I looked at the clock and it was past ten. I must have slept an hour.
“I’ve already prepared it. It’s your day off, so take it easy.”
I didn’t feel good at all. My head was just starting to work again.
— At that moment I was overcome with fear.
That’s right, I couldn’t sleep last night. The memories gradually came back to me.
I took a piece of paper from an envelope.
I couldn’t believe it. I prayed that it was a mistake.
But no matter how many times I checked, it didn’t change. The words “Requires Precise Examination” were written.
I felt dizzy and fell to my knees. I panicked with fear.
Breast cancer screening. It’s mostly recommended for people in their forties. I didn’t feel comfortable either.
Especially since my grandmother had breast cancer. If there are cases in the family, there is a risk of hereditary factors.
I tried to get rid of my fear, but a nightmare was waiting for me.
Category 3. I hurriedly looked it up and it seemed to mean “highly likely to be benign, but malignancy cannot be ruled out”. There was a possibility of breast cancer with a few percent probability.
Just a few percent. But it was enough to make me desperate.
I panicked. I rushed to make an appointment, but my body froze and wouldn’t move.
Suddenly I was faced with the fear of death.
The end of life, the end of my life. The inevitable end of life.
But I was too young to understand it.
An uncertain future. What will happen to my children when I’m gone?
No! No! No! I don’t want to disappear! I don’t want to disappear! Because there are still things I want to do, things I have to do!
I fought to hold back the inaudible scream.
To disappear from this world. An end that everyone will face. But not now.
At least let me look after my children until they grow up. I still don’t want to die!
I’m afraid. Afraid of being separated from my children, of never seeing them again. Of not being able to talk to them one day, of not being able to touch them, of losing their warmth, of dying alone.
Leaving behind regrets and unfinished business. A changed view of life and death. Facing reality.
The fear returned and my body tensed.
“It’s okay. I’ll take care of things at home. Nee-san is still asleep, so you should go back to sleep. They say sleep deprivation is the enemy of beauty.”
“Yukito…”
I snapped out of it at my son’s words. He’s showing concern for me, this person like me.
But I couldn’t do anything for this child. Tears welled up.
What can I leave behind? Savings, life insurance, the car and this house. The inheritance also includes securities. I’ve worked hard to make sure they don’t have to struggle.
I should already able to leave enough money for my children until they grow up. But!
“I don’t want to be separated from you.
I reached out my trembling hand as if to cling to him, and he held it gently.
Regret washed over me. I’d spent sixteen years doing nothing.
It was enough time to start over. I could have brought him back.
I was the one who didn’t. I can’t leave this child as a mother.
Memories of me, proof that his mother loved this child. A certain affection.
I can’t give that now. I don’t want to worry my family unnecessarily.
Until the results of the exact examination come out, please, please stay like this–
“Please… stay with me.”
“Did you have a bad dream? Or was there something difficult at work? Thank you always. It is best to forget bad things. I see, shall I sing a lullaby? Wait, in that case wouldn’t it be a parent’s lullaby? In that case, a bossa nova melody would be…”
He encouraged me when I was feeling weak. He’s too good for someone like me.
“Actually… I had something very disturbing that kept me from sleeping. Could you sleep next to me? I feel safe when I’m with you.”
His warmth is comforting. It washes away the fear and anxiety. He calms my feelings so easily. I was so afraid a moment ago, but he embraces my broken heart. In truth, I should be doing this for him.
I have always received love from him, and if I regret it, it’s too late. But I…
— I love you.
My beloved, strong boy who will protect me.
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