Prologue
“I’ve decided to date my senpai.”
She said as the reddening dusk sky tinted her face. Though hesitant, she said it clearly. Without being able to tell what emotion was reflected in her eyes illuminated by the crimson light, only her words began to shape reality.
With those words from my childhood friend, I realized that it had all been a misunderstanding.
Hinagi Suzurikawa. My friend since kindergarten.
Why did she feel the need to tell me? Maybe she thought it was her duty as a childhood friend. No, that’s not it. This is her way of warning me. To stop clinging to her.
I don’t understand her thinking. I’ve never been able to understand anyone’s mind.
Maybe that’s why. At some point, the words she directed at me became harsh.
I didn’t want our relationship to be like that.
There was no mythical fairy tale between us childhood friends.
Even if we made some silly childish promise, something so trivial would disappear like bursting bubbles.
But she had always been special to me.
No doubt, I was able to endure my painful circumstances because of her.
Lately, there had been awkward moments, but I still thought we had remained good friends all this time. At least, that was how I had lived every day until now.
As we entered middle school, Hinagi became more and more beautiful.
She learned how to use makeup, started to care about fashion, and was popular because she was outgoing and cheerful.
Watching Hinagi’s back as she changed, I steeled myself to take a step beyond our childhood friendship that year in 8th grade.
I wanted to confess during the summer festival we went to together every year.
I thought it was mutual.
Arrogantly, I deluded myself that she would accept my confession.
But such sweet prospects crumbled so easily. It was only my own misunderstanding.
I had misunderstood that the feelings she had for me were “goodwill”.
I was happy to assume that there was someone who had “fallen in love” with me.
Ah, so that “good will” wasn’t what I thought it was…
A thud. Something fell inside me. Her words even convinced me.
Maybe deep down I had realized that such a day would come.
Dark shadows pierced my heart. The feelings I had directed at her.
It wasn’t benevolence. More like sympathy or pity.
I was simply confronted with the fact that I was nothing more than a childhood friend.
“Hmph, I guess our messed up relationship is finally over. We might not hang out this summer like we used to.”
“Is that so? Congratulations.”
The childhood friend heartlessly piled words on top of my freshly broken heart.
It felt like rubbing salt in the wound, almost like flaunting it. It was infuriating. If she got a boyfriend, she couldn’t be with me anymore. My presence shouldn’t be a bother to them, should it?
My mind went blank, unable to think of anything to say to her.
That’s why those honest congratulations slipped out of my mouth. Words to hide the ugly emotions I was feeling right now. Hinagi’s face twisted in anger for a moment.
“–! My senpai is much more reliable than you, cooler, I’m glad he confessed to me!”
The upperclassman Hinagi called senpai was a 3rd year on the soccer team who had confessed to her a week ago. Unlike me, Hinagi was popular. She had received many confessions, but she had never accepted one, or so I thought. Maybe I was relieved. I deluded myself that she would never leave my side in a comfortable illusion.
But she didn’t have to compare me to him so blatantly.
When did she start hating me so much? Surely, I’m no match for Hinagi.
For her, I must have become nothing more than a nuisance, clinging to the position of a childhood friend.
That’s right, I should have realized it. That I’m an unwanted nuisance.
Hadn’t everyone always told me that? But I understood that better than anyone. So why, why did I get my hopes up?
The place to direct the feelings I had been harboring was lost.
The emotions I’d been suppressing were swelling up, making every day feel so tense that I thought I’d snap. The thought that this feeling would end today brought both a sense of liberation and loneliness.
Like an inflated balloon, the tense feelings burst and deflated. This was the final blow. Instead of useless feelings, maybe I should tell her my true feelings one last time. I wanted to confess my true feelings.
“Hinagi, I wanted to confess to you on the day of the Summer Festival this year.”
“Huh?”
The answer had been clear since that day last year. Since the day she rejected my hand, I had known it deep inside.
But I played ignorant, averted my eyes, made excuses, clung to our relationship as childhood friends, and this was the result.
“I always liked you. I just looked at you. I was proud as you grew more and more beautiful. So this year I wanted to take this step. I don’t know if it was too late or if I was never seen that way to begin with.”
“You’re…lying…aren’t you? Then why…for what…”
Hinagi was shaken. Her eyes flickered, searching for the truth. She must find it disgusting. The discomfort and disgust that I looked at her like that.
“I thought the feelings you had for me were genuine. I arrogantly deluded myself that it was mutual between us. Although that could never be true.”
“No, that’s wrong! I too–“
“Our feelings were different.”
When and where we had diverged, I no longer knew. Had we always been at odds, or had it changed somewhere along the way? There was no point in thinking about it now.
“Why…even I…!”
“Sorry. If this is the end, at least I wanted to express my feelings. I know it’s annoying, but forgive me.”
“W-wait… What are you… What are you trying to say?!”
Hinagi’s face was deathly pale. All color drained from it.
“Goodbye, Hinagi. Let’s dissolve our childhood friendship today. I hope you find happiness with your senpai…”
The playground equipment had turned scarlet. How ironic that the park where we often played together in the past was our parting place. We built sandcastles together. Ran around until sunset. I thought we had a strong bond.
But our relationship was as fragile as a sandcastle that crumbles so easily.
But it was for the best. After expressing my feelings, it would be impossible to act like just childhood friends. I was ready to confess even knowing this.
But it was no longer necessary. I didn’t want to stay in this place.
I just wanted to disappear. Like that day. Away from everyone. I started to run home.
“W-wait! Yuki…, please wait, let’s talk!”
Human emotions are difficult. Why am I so stupid?
If Hinagi’s feelings for me were not ‘genuine’ after all, I might never be able to understand ‘genuine’ for the rest of my life.
-And so the boy broke a little more.
Yes, there’s already an English translation of this novel. The reason I’m doing this is because I love this series so much, and I want to translate the latest book, Volume 4, which will be out on November 25th, roughly three weeks from now.
That’s why I’m starting from the first volume because I think it’ll be fun to post one volume each week as a countdown until Volume 4 release date. Don’t worry; I actually translated these chapters some time ago, so it won’t affect the release of other LN/WN on this website.
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