Episode 8: The Snowy Night
“Oh no! You’re sneaking out at night again!”
As I sat in the hospital lobby, sipping my coffee like I usually did, I heard Yuki’s loud voice.
The darkness of the night surrounded us, and we were the only ones in the lobby. Through the large glass windows, I could see the heavy snow falling outside. The white snow illuminated the world with a soft glow. Snowflakes gently descended from the sky, covering the ground in a white blanket.
Just like the night we first met, Yuki and I crossed paths in the snowy night at the hospital.
“Hey! This isn’t good! You should be sleeping at night! It’s not good for your health!”
With her hands on her hips, she scolded me.
“…………”
“I’m fine, really. I’m different.”
While scolding me, Yuki gave me a critical look, understanding what I wanted to ask with just that one word. Expressing myself was never my strong suit. Yuki sat down next to me.
“I’m fine, really. I’ve fully recovered, and it wasn’t a serious illness to begin with. But you, Rain, it’s different for you, right? What if your condition worsens? Please rest quietly. I know you’ve always had a weak constitution, but if you work hard, you can recover enough to be discharged!”
“…………”
Yes, that’s right. I casually agreed. In response to my half-hearted reply, she pouted. She seemed angry as she grabbed my shoulder, pushing and pulling me. My whole body shook, and her gentle scolding reached me.
“Being healthy is better, isn’t it? What’s the benefit of staying unhealthy? If you can get better, it’s definitely worth it, right!?”
“…………”
That’s absolutely true. It was an undeniable truth.
But my spirit was worn out.
“Hey, Yuki…”
“What is it?”
“Do you… have many friends…?”
“……?”
I asked a simple question, and Yuki tensed up, a bead of sweat forming on her forehead as she spoke in a hoarse voice.
“…………”
“N-No! That’s not true…! I do have friends…!”
Yuki flinched and drew back. Although she denied it, her words lacked conviction.
“However… if you ask if I have ‘many’ friends, I’m a little unsure… I guess I have slightly fewer friends than average. But, because of that, the connections I have with each person are stronger… It’s not that I don’t have any friends, you know…?”
“…………”
She fidgeted, intertwining her fingers. Blushing, she looked up at me with upturned eyes, seeming embarrassed.
There was no helping it. The person in front of me was exceptional, a genius. Someone with such extraordinary abilities wouldn’t easily make friends. We were consumed by our own abilities and couldn’t understand the feelings of ordinary people.
“We can’t easily make friends… because of our ‘specialness’…”
“…………”
“Our ‘specialness’ prevents us from easily fitting in with others…”
“Oh no!”
Yuki placed her hand on her hip and scolded me.
“You can’t be so negative. I’m sure something good will happen once you recover from your illness. When you’re discharged, you’ll definitely make lots of friends!”
I felt worthless… Unable to endure life, I wanted to disappear somewhere. If this abnormality would never heal for the rest of my life, if I would continue to hurt people in the future…
If I had no choice but to be myself, if I would always remain as myself…
I wanted to disappear.
I wanted to vanish completely.
———————————————-
Snowflakes continued to fall silenty, racing through the darkness of the night. By morning, the world would be covered in a shimmering silver blanket of snow under the streetlights.
“That day… it was just a shoulder bump.”
“…?”
Yuki tilted her head in confusion. My words were fragmented, and I doubted if she truly understood what I meant. I was aware of my poor ability to express myself. My thoughts struggled to find their way across. How long had it been since I spoke so openly…
“I couldn’t hold back…”
That day, the day I died falling down the stairs in a previous life… It was just a collision with another person, causing me to stumble. A common, insignificant impact. A small shock that anyone could endure.
“But I couldn’t hold on… I couldn’t protect myself instinctively…”
I couldn’t hold on. I lost the willpower to brace myself and avoid danger. I couldn’t find the strength to fight and keep on living, the strength that should have been natural in that critical moment.
“…I couldn’t hold on.”
“…………”
Without summoning any willpower, my body lightly crashed against the stairs, and I saw blood flowing from my head. Lying there, I witnessed my own blood. Seeing that blood, I felt a strange sense of relief. It was as if my consciousness was flowing out along with the blood. I felt my life slipping away.
With that sensation, a feeling of relief filled my chest.
“I… I…”
“…………”
“I felt relieved that it was over…”
Tears streamed down my face.
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I found relief in my own death. It was a mistake, a grave mistake as a human being. Although I knew it was wrong, that’s what I felt.
“I…”
“…………”
I…
“…I didn’t want to be reborn…!”
…I didn’t want to be reincarnated.
My voice was hoarse. I couldn’t confide in anyone. It was something I shouldn’t put into words.
But, still…
…It was something I had always thought.
Silence hung in the air. I regretted feeling relief back then. I regretted finding solace in death.
But, still…
That’s how I truly felt. I couldn’t help it, it overflowed from my heart. And even the concept of [reincarnation] couldn’t bring me joy. I resented the grace of being given another chance at life, at existence.
[I didn’t want to be reincarnated.]
This feeling would never disappear from within me. Even though I knew it was wrong, even though I knew it was bad… this feeling wouldn’t fade, and I couldn’t erase the relief from that day.
[I felt relieved that it was over.]
[I didn’t want to be reincarnated.]
I began to despise myself even more.
———————————————-
I could sense Yuki’s perplexed expression next to me. Her finger lightly touched my huddled back before quickly retreating. She seemed uncertain about what to do as I cried beside her. Of course, she wouldn’t understand. My words were disjointed, making it impossible for her to grasp their meaning. Even I didn’t know what to do with myself in that moment.
“I’m sorry…”
I raised my head slightly to look at her. Yuki closed her eyes and softly murmured, “I don’t understand what you’re saying at all…”
Of course, she wouldn’t.
She probably didn’t fully comprehend the concept of “reincarnation” either. It was just a fantasy, something that could never happen in reality. It was beyond imagination.
“I don’t even understand why you’re crying…”
No apologies needed. There’s nothing for you to apologize for.
Silence engulfed us.
Yuki raised her face and stared at the heavy snowfall outside. I kept my head down, observing the snow accumulating on the ground. The scene was chilling to behold, a monochromatic world laid out before my eyes.
“For me, ‘special’ was a sickness…”
Yuki suddenly spoke up, and I raised my head to look at her.
“When the doctor diagnosed me with an illness, I cried a lot.”
She looked upwards, as if reflecting on her past, and began to speak calmly, devoid of sorrow or joy.
“Even though the doctor reassured me multiple times that it was okay, that it was a curable illness, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was going to die… I cried repeatedly.”
You have nothing to apologize for. There’s no need for any apologies.
“To me, the illness was ‘special,’ a terrifying presence that I believed would undoubtedly take my life.”
Concern must have been evident on my face as I looked at her. Yuki glanced at me, surprised, and smiled, attempting to reassure me.
“But in the end, everything turned out fine.”
She spoke nonchalantly, as if it were a trivial matter.
“When I woke up, the surgery was over. The doctor declared that I was cured and smiled at me.”
“It was anticlimactic. Yes, extremely anticlimactic! The illness that I thought would shatter my world, that filled me with such terror, vanished so easily, so simply. When I woke up, it was all over.”
Yuki’s words carried a playful tone. It felt as if the emotions from that moment were resurfacing. I could almost envision her expression, wide-eyed and vacant, on that day.
“It wasn’t a big deal. My ‘special’ turned out to be nothing. The illness that had seemed so terrifying disappeared effortlessly, as if it were being ridiculed by the world… My fear vanished just as easily.”
“My world spun around so effortlessly.”
She laughed joyfully.
“So I thought…”
“Yes…”
“I see…”
Fear of being ‘special’ consumed me. I confronted the ‘special’ within me, only to be repeatedly defeated.
Yuki managed to decipher something from my inarticulate words and tried to encourage me. She was strong and different from me. She possessed a much more carefree and resilient mindset. My words were unnecessary interference. Unlike me, Yuki wasn’t afraid of being special. Instead, she sought to uplift and encourage me.
Yuki’s strength was apparent. She had a different essence than me. She possessed a greater sense of ease and mental fortitude. My words were an unnecessary intrusion.
“Understood…”
“…………”
“Thank you…”
I understood. I comprehended.
She wouldn’t become like me. Her core was resilient, and she wouldn’t tread the same path as me. Even if hardships befell her, her smile would not fade. That was enough for me to understand. It held significance.
I attempted to rise from my seat. I no longer needed her. It was a beautiful thing.
“Are you returning to the room?”
“Yeah, I’m going to sleep…”
“That’s good.”
Snow fell silently, blanketing the outside world in a pure white layer. Its quiet descent gradually transformed the surroundings, casting a gentle glow. In the midst of this mesmerizing scene, I found myself yearning to be buried under the beauty of the snow, hoping to disappear by the time spring arrived. Such futile thoughts occupied my mind.
Suddenly, Yuki’s casual voice broke through my reverie.
“I hope Rain’s suffering… will be cured easily like my illness.”
“Yeah…”
“What was it, W… W…”
“…………?”
As we rose from our seats, Yuki began to speak again. Her words resonated softly in the dimly lit hospital lobby.
“Oh, right. It was [WM-8 chronic myocardial dysfunction].”
Those words unraveled a memory tucked away in the corner of my mind. Yuki clapped her hands and smiled, as if something significant had been revealed.
———————————————-
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I picked it up because the old translator dropped it even though there’s only a chapter and epilogue left. Also if you know other great LN/WN that was dropped for some reason please do comment on translation request page